To truly commune with Paris Hilton and better understand her show, I wanted to cook with what far stood out as her worst recipe.
Here’s a list of words the 40-year-old human with a Paris Hilton cooking show doesn’t know. Or – and this is more likely – a list of words she claims not to know on behalf of an extended character:
On his six-episode Netflix reality series Cooking with Paris, Hilton wears her sluts Simple life extremely loose glove-like performance that constantly slips and snaps back into place by force. It would be less distracting if she engaged in her ditz nu-bimbo, but every time she forgets it, she switches to her natural register, then catches up and reaches up her voice to croak about “sliving.” “ (to kill + life, duh) again, it just gives me shockwaves of empathetic exhaustion. This half-commitment to Hilton’s familiar act as a character extends to an issue with the show in general: a half-commitment to the revenue, the celebrity-guest conversation, the production, the entertainment.
Oh, aside from the loose glove metaphor, Hilton also wears a lot of real gloves – Madonna ’80s style fingerless gloves. They are usually adorned and adorned with jewelry, and she usually tries to stretch latex gloves by. top to handle raw ingredients. Like an old condom in Prince Albert, I’m concerned about the structural integrity of this whole situation. It’s not as annoying as the fact that she walks in and out of the voice, but I realized halfway through my frenzy that I was grinding my teeth.
I do not think so Cooking with ParisHilton’s many problems are the fault of Hilton, nor of its guests, which include figures like the current McDonald’s Emeritus Saweetie and RHOBH MVP Kathy Hilton. Much of Netflix’s reality slate feels more disposable than the network and cable reality we were raised on; although the streamer has all the money in the world, these shows seem fast and cheap, more like web series or Instagram reels. Come to think of it, I would have liked to see this show as a TikToks series – at least they wouldn’t have to use royalty-free instrumentals wall-to-wall.
It turns out that it’s not lastingly interesting, even watching Hilton cook some sort of normal food for six episodes in a row, let alone trying to follow the recipes. The show starts off big with homemade blue marshmallows (which are just plain melted and dyed marshmallows) and Cap’n Crunch crusted French toast with guest Kim Kardashian, but what follows is a lot of food frankly. basic made more interesting by the involvement of Hilton: turkey, shrimp tacos, fries. So in order to truly commune with Hilton and better understand her show, I wanted to cook with what stood out as her worst recipe by far. Perhaps only then, at the level of the shared effort in the kitchen and the flavor in the mouth, would I understand Cooking with Paris.
All this to say that I made Paris Hilton’s Unicornoli, and they sucked that ass.
Glitter, the sixth little-discussed food group.
The first thing to know about Hilton recipes is that edible sprinkles are found in everything. She may never have seen a raw turkey before, but she has glitter in her salt shakers. I found some at NY Cake, a specialty store in the Flatiron District with more cake decorating ingredients than I even knew there were. The speakers played the Donna Summer disco version of “MacArthur Park” aka the song “someone left the cake in the rain”. It was more on the nose than the mariachi music that plays in episode two of Cooking with Paris when Hilton visits a Mexican grocery store.
Hilton’s recipe – which I dutifully recreated in a rainbow marker, just like in his on-screen cookbook – called for store-bought cannoli shells, so I went to the Build Your Own counter. Cannoli at Flatiron Eataly and I haggled for “just the shells”. Two shells were worth two dollars. A kit of four DIY cannoli in the fridge across the aisle was $ 24.
On the show, Hilton prepares the filling before her guest arrives: a cup of ricotta, ⅔ cup of powdered sugar, and a zest of lemon. “I don’t know what ‘the zest of a lemon’ means,” she said. “What does the lemon zest mean?” She asks Siri. For lack of zester, she tries to peel the lemon in the ricotta mixture. She also ends up throwing a lot more powdered sugar into the ricotta. Maybe I should have done the same. I whipped it the best I could with a hand blender, but the end result was way too gooey, and not Gwyneth’s holistic way. I put it in the fridge for half an hour.
The episode in which Hilton makes Unicornoli is called “Italian Night With Demi Lovato” and, as Hilton puts it in the voiceover, Lovato’s “explosive talent and honesty” will make him “the perfect sous chef for the tonight’s Italian extravaganza “. While ditching a homemade pasta dough recipe halfway through and searching for store-bought dumplings in the fridge, the two discuss how they met, when Lovato was 15, “at the party. Ellen’s birthday “. Talking about Ellen’s name at least introduced a dramatic note to the episode, like saying “Voldemort”.
Back in the real world, I melted two bowls of melting candy in the microwave, purple and pink, and mixed them into something soft and sweet with chopsticks. On the show, Hilton reads aloud a step from the recipe: “Dip each end of the cannoli shells…” but Lovato has already soaked and rolled it all up, so it will be a sugar-coated monstrosity instead of just pink and purple accents at the ends. “Are we supposed to put all this on?” Hilton asks before doing the same and soaking his own. I followed suit and then rolled the candy-coated shells in sprinkle and sprinkled them with edible sprinkles, just like they do in the series. I was dreaming about this part of the process – it gave some birthday party vibes (5 years old) – but that climax was followed by a disappointing fill still not settled in the hits, just like in the show, in which he also comes out too thin instead of fluffy. At least I was loyal to the show. But what would it taste like?
Not great. It took three of us to eat half a Unicornoli, and it tasted like a waste of ricotta. In fact, we preferred to eat the melting candies straight out of the container. But the Unicornoli look at fantastic: brilliant, cartoonish, colorful and sparkling. The photos came out well. And isn’t that kind of talk? Cooking with Paris was not meant to be eaten; he was meant to be seen. Paris Unicornoli, which she says deserves a place on the menu at Dan Tana, are more of an expensive arts and crafts project than edible food. And like the show itself, my experience was ultimately all content creation and almost no cooking.
Take the cannoli. No, please take it.
Photo: Rebecca Alter
I like this.